Random chat .

HeyHey!  

How are you? One week ago I wrote a post about my favourites of the month and it seems like you didn't like it that much, am I right? Well, at least, that's what  Blogger says showing the visualisations of the different posts I wrote. I think I'll try to reduce this kind of topic (like girly one), they are more for "fashion blogger" (that I am not and I don't want to be). I will basically stop because I feel like it's not what I started to write about. I don't want/can/should become a fashion blogger or something like that, not my style ahah In any case, this is just a quick talk/update. 

I almost recover completely from the bronchitis. This week I went back at school was absolutely terrible; all the oral and written tests I missed those 5 days I spent at home sick, I had to remake during this week, although I already had other tests. This led me to cry a lot, to swear against everything, to be particularly mad ad anyone for stupid reasons; In few words, I was hysterical (as my brother kindly defined me). BUT all this negativity/hate I had against school...made me appreciate/enjoy even more all those things I do more than study, such as the two acting lessons I'm taking (one of them is almost over, on the 17th we'll have the play we've worked on), scout, gymnastic (that right now is basically coming back to school walking as much as I can) etc. I even started paying more attention on the things I watch and hear. 

I had a small time on Friday afternoon to shopping with mum and I bought a couple of items I've already wear ahah I don't know what about you but I really like to start wearing things when they are new! I can't wait to see how I style them and stuff. 

This weekend I haven't done much. Let's start saying that my weekend starts on Saturday afternoon (because in the morning I have school). I was out with friends during the afternoon and than out again in the evening for a 20 bday aperitif/dinner (this was so cool).

Oh I had the check at the dietitian...it strangely went well. When I told her I started to eat again in a nervous way when I study, she really seemed a bit bothered, and for this reason when it came out I lost 1.3 kg (basically doing nothing special)  she was as surprised as I was!

Okay this blog post is turning into a single chatter about my life and a bounce of events you don't even care about ahah sorry! To make this post a bit more interesting I'll post a picture of how I started decorating my bedroom for Christmas 

The quality is not the best one, this red looks way brighter than the original (made with iPhone)

For the first time I bought these cute little lights for my bedroom. I saw them in many YouTube videos and i thought  they were so cute I couldn't wait to buy them at the Chinese shop, where I was surely going to find them for few euros (100 lights, 4€). Lots of people have them in blue and I personally searched for white/blue lights but then when I didn't find them I realised that maybe this warm yellow light was going to be more adapt to my bedroom, that has cream walls and red items everywhere. 

The deck I got from Butlers is so cute and you can turn it and there's the same print on the other side but in blue, white and maybe green (can't properly remember right now tbh ahah)

Have a nice week everyone :) 

Remember that Life is a game we play !

My F***** DIET !

HeyHey!

So, as i wrote several time, i can't consider myself a thin person, not at all. Althought people say i'm not, i consider myself chubby!

Yes, that's the percet adjective. Althought my size is not that small, i like the fact that, since the fact i've been a gymnast for 9 years, i'm quite tonic (my butt stays up bitches! ahah)

But this is not the point. As i said in my introduction/blog post titled ''What to do with my blog'' i should use this internet page to wreak me. Let's do this!

This summer, at the beginning of June i decided to start a diet. I went to this dietician that i really liked and that gave me a diet where i really could EAT. 

Unlikely, the first time i've been on a diet (i guess 3 or 4 years ago), i lost almost 4kgs on the first month that is not healthy but at the time made me really happy, but the problem with that diet was that i ate almost everyday rice, spelt, chicken, some vegetables and some fruits (i also had fish but i don't like it at all so i just replaced it with chicken). The dietitian removed all the carbohydrates i was eating. That gave me result but it couldn't last for so long. I was hungry for the biggest part of the daytime.

When i started this new diet i had trubles to respect the doses of food that woman gave me for every meal because it was too much. We had as purpose to teach me how to eat in an healthy way. As you probably know (if you don't go check out the last blog post about some random facts about me!) i don't eat that bad because i don't like cream, whipped cream, gums, sparkling drinks etc. Living in Italy also leads me not to eat with too much mayo, or ketchup (oh, also this one i don't really like), not so many sweets, like really fat ones that i see in pictures from american channels. I get easily fatter because of pizza and pasta, and who wouldn't when you get the chance to eat them everyday? This is not pizza case, i eat it once a week, and not every week. But pasta, that's my average lunch because is easy to cook and it's ready after few minutes.

So basically, i started with this diet in a really good way. Althought i've been traveling a lot this summer, and there were many bday parties i've been to...I lost weight. I did, 5 kgs in 3 months that is an healthy way to lose weight and learn how to eat at the same time. I went out for a walk of 1h30 every day, and also when i went travelling i used to walk a lot.

(Picture found on the internet)

BUT when school started I stopped losing weight. At the beginning i thought that it was because i was actually facing that moment when you realize that the fat you have on your body are kgs that stayed there for several months so they took longer to get away from your body. After another months where i kept thinking this i was not loosing weight again. In that moment I realize i was not having free time to walk and exercise anymore. Since September i've started the school year again, and i also started two different acting classes with a group at school and another one, composed by older people. What i was missing was also the time i needed to prepare my big healthy salads and the attention i had for the doses, of both foods and condiments. 

So, on the 27th of September i went to the dietician for the average control, that always gave me positive responses. It was not the same for that time. I basically didn't really know what to do when she told me i lost no one kgs. I was eating less than the average, I was trying to work out more often. I just started crying when i went out. Since that day i didn't really focused on the diet that more, i felt like i was doing something that was not fitting for me, like i'm never going to be as thin as i want to be, i'll never have my friends size. 

The biggest mistake was to let the self-pity to take over me. 

And now here i am, after two tremendous weeks at school, with thousands of tests and assignments to do, two weeks in which i've been eating constanlty for the so call ''emotional eating'' (or at least thats how google stranslated what we call ''nervous eating''), i'll have the control at the dietitian's next week, on Friday and i'm 100% sure i gaigned at least 1kg this week. 

I honestly don't know if i should keep spending money on something that i'm believing everyday less but that could remind me constanlty what was the goal i wanted to reach at the beginning  OR to take a couple of months to think if i want to do this seriously, taking a break from the diet ofc, but this is not the best solution considering that christmas is over and it will be so hard to control myself with all those sweets etc.

What would you suggest me? Have you ever been in this situation or on diet in general? Let me know in the comment below. I aplogize for grammar/typing mistakes, it's just that my hands are so cold right now!

I now have Bloglovin and i'm trying to claim my blog's link there, so you could get notification everytime i write somethign new, if you enjoy my blog ofc :)

I wish you a good weekend, althought yours started on Friday, differently from mine ahah

I need another me...but more stable .

All these flowers in the background, this soft music...this all represent what I am half of the time. The other half I'm not that stable with my nerves. It takes just a little thing to drive me crazy (in a bad way). The most recent thing is the fact that on Saturday I have to take pictures during an 18bday party, I'll be payed so it should be great. Well I was actually screaming so loud because a pair of shoes I wanted to wear I took them to repair this afternoon, without thinking about the weekend. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a shopping girl (I sometimes am but not at high level) and is not the fact that I don't have my shoes, it's about the fact I forget  I needed them, I didn't plan everything as I thought. And this just made my unstable. I'm one of those persons that make lists, but my problem is that, although I have an agenda I can't live without, I make thousands lists, I try to plan everything...and when it comes I forget something, in my view of the situation, this is just unacceptable. My mum says I'm cruel with myself, I criticised everything about my body, my attitude etc. And I also do attack everything that's around me. 

I don't know why this happens but when it does I'm scared; I don't know where all this hate come from. Maybe the fact I recently broke up after a long distance relationship of 2 years? (I'll write about it I guess..not quite ready right now) I believe I just need to know that someone is always here for me. Maybe I need that person I recently closed with, or someone that is closer, maybe people I don't know or also friends that always say "I'm here for you, whenever you want"...but they're not actually. They do not invite me over for first, never, I'm always the second choice or the one that "if you want to come yeah sure", is not like they're really inviting me. Basically I feel selfish thinking about this now but the point is that, although I think and I realise that these things are as I see them, or maybe they're not..at the end they are not changing. 

I would like to have another me; someone who knows how I feel and that could give me the right council, who's always ready. 

I just really hope this shit period will be over soon. Maybe I could try talking with someone, like the school-psychologist...but I'm not quite sure; you come in my small town, and we don't have to pay you...doesn't seem logic in my opinion.

I think this blog is helping. To express my problem and explain them to you, ghosts readers, I need to analyse them. And that's what I'm supposed to do when I overreact.

I should always write this to you but, at the same time, remembering it to myself. 

LIFE IS A GAME WE PLAY!

( Picture from the internet )

     

Angry me .

Lots of people deal with panic attack, hunger attack (I got that too ahah), claustrophobic attack. Well my problem are the "anger attack". It's not like I went to the doctor and he told me I often deal with anger because of this this and this reason. I figure it out myself after thinking about the way I've been acting lately. I'm not enjoying my life at all. I'm always constantly anxious for everything but most of all I've been getting angrier and angrier in every situation. I know in this way it doesn't really sound easy to understand but with a couple of examples it shock è easier to understand. When I failed at things I don't get depressed, I become really angry with myself and with any one else. 

Recent example; I failed my driving license theory test. These testes are mainly based on lucky, and as I often say "I have bad luck since when I came to the world". On the 17th February 1995 my mum led me out and that 17th was a Friday! (Bad luck day in Italy). In any case, I was angry when I failed the test, I was angrier when I discovered that just for one mistake in excess I was over, I was even more angry when it came out that when I will have to remake the test there will be new testes with 800 new quizzes. When I opened my Facebook page that day, I saw at least 6 pictures of people I know showing their drive license, that they got in the morning, while I was busy failing mine. In that moment I just couldn't take it and I exploded. 

Today happened that I lost my glasses. This made me angry for the whole day and that's why it also inspired me to take my PC and star writing  here for you, my ghosts reader. When I realized is lost them at home I started searching them and this made me late for school, where I had to sign some papers that say you're late and you can be late for other 3 time until Xmas and stuff like that. When I came back home (I was feeling pretty happy for the 7.5 I got in German) I started searching them again, and I could find them. The contacts I used in the morning were giving me headache so I decided to take them off. As resul I'm angry, with a bit of headache, in my garden, listening to relax music that is not particularly helping me...considering the fact that I busted into tears several times. 

Does anyone have the same problem? How do you deal with your anger attack?

Picture i took in Amsterdam during the Gay Pride Parade 2012 ( on Flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/federicaz/ )