The headphones' world .

HeyHey

I'm writing this blog post really quickly, because I should go upstairs and study English for the literature test I'll have tomorrow and for philosophy oral test.
Lately the only one thing that I can do for hours and hours...is listening to music. On Christmas, as you probably read in this blog post, I got this big white pair of headphones, that i really wanted because I saw something like this on Cassie in Skins Pure: if you don't know who she is or what i'm talking about...you better start watching Skins, you don't know what you're losing! It's one of my favorite tv series ever!
In any case, the fact that I can isolate myself so often, helps me relax. I've been spending many afternoons and evenings alone at home, in some cases because i had to study, in others because i was tired. I always find myself that little spot in my daily life in which i can reflect on several things; why did i give dieting? should I save money for a better DSLR Camera that can make video as well? Should i restart working out? When am i going to finally take my drive license?...these are just some of the things that i need to figure out in my life, I don't want to write a whole page about them of course.

When I have my headphones on I can think about my problems and, at the same time, I can escape from them, some ways. Not quite sure why I need this so bad, I just know what to sit and think about these things it's basically one of those things i can't give up doing. 

The song you can listen to in the video at the beginning of the post is my favourite song at the moment, it's the only one that can give my mind that little push it needs to start ''sailing''

What do you do when it comes to your personal space for thinking ?

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(I recently uploaded new pics from my summer holiday in Germany, go check them out on Flickr !)

My F***** DIET !

HeyHey!

So, as i wrote several time, i can't consider myself a thin person, not at all. Althought people say i'm not, i consider myself chubby!

Yes, that's the percet adjective. Althought my size is not that small, i like the fact that, since the fact i've been a gymnast for 9 years, i'm quite tonic (my butt stays up bitches! ahah)

But this is not the point. As i said in my introduction/blog post titled ''What to do with my blog'' i should use this internet page to wreak me. Let's do this!

This summer, at the beginning of June i decided to start a diet. I went to this dietician that i really liked and that gave me a diet where i really could EAT. 

Unlikely, the first time i've been on a diet (i guess 3 or 4 years ago), i lost almost 4kgs on the first month that is not healthy but at the time made me really happy, but the problem with that diet was that i ate almost everyday rice, spelt, chicken, some vegetables and some fruits (i also had fish but i don't like it at all so i just replaced it with chicken). The dietitian removed all the carbohydrates i was eating. That gave me result but it couldn't last for so long. I was hungry for the biggest part of the daytime.

When i started this new diet i had trubles to respect the doses of food that woman gave me for every meal because it was too much. We had as purpose to teach me how to eat in an healthy way. As you probably know (if you don't go check out the last blog post about some random facts about me!) i don't eat that bad because i don't like cream, whipped cream, gums, sparkling drinks etc. Living in Italy also leads me not to eat with too much mayo, or ketchup (oh, also this one i don't really like), not so many sweets, like really fat ones that i see in pictures from american channels. I get easily fatter because of pizza and pasta, and who wouldn't when you get the chance to eat them everyday? This is not pizza case, i eat it once a week, and not every week. But pasta, that's my average lunch because is easy to cook and it's ready after few minutes.

So basically, i started with this diet in a really good way. Althought i've been traveling a lot this summer, and there were many bday parties i've been to...I lost weight. I did, 5 kgs in 3 months that is an healthy way to lose weight and learn how to eat at the same time. I went out for a walk of 1h30 every day, and also when i went travelling i used to walk a lot.

(Picture found on the internet)

BUT when school started I stopped losing weight. At the beginning i thought that it was because i was actually facing that moment when you realize that the fat you have on your body are kgs that stayed there for several months so they took longer to get away from your body. After another months where i kept thinking this i was not loosing weight again. In that moment I realize i was not having free time to walk and exercise anymore. Since September i've started the school year again, and i also started two different acting classes with a group at school and another one, composed by older people. What i was missing was also the time i needed to prepare my big healthy salads and the attention i had for the doses, of both foods and condiments. 

So, on the 27th of September i went to the dietician for the average control, that always gave me positive responses. It was not the same for that time. I basically didn't really know what to do when she told me i lost no one kgs. I was eating less than the average, I was trying to work out more often. I just started crying when i went out. Since that day i didn't really focused on the diet that more, i felt like i was doing something that was not fitting for me, like i'm never going to be as thin as i want to be, i'll never have my friends size. 

The biggest mistake was to let the self-pity to take over me. 

And now here i am, after two tremendous weeks at school, with thousands of tests and assignments to do, two weeks in which i've been eating constanlty for the so call ''emotional eating'' (or at least thats how google stranslated what we call ''nervous eating''), i'll have the control at the dietitian's next week, on Friday and i'm 100% sure i gaigned at least 1kg this week. 

I honestly don't know if i should keep spending money on something that i'm believing everyday less but that could remind me constanlty what was the goal i wanted to reach at the beginning  OR to take a couple of months to think if i want to do this seriously, taking a break from the diet ofc, but this is not the best solution considering that christmas is over and it will be so hard to control myself with all those sweets etc.

What would you suggest me? Have you ever been in this situation or on diet in general? Let me know in the comment below. I aplogize for grammar/typing mistakes, it's just that my hands are so cold right now!

I now have Bloglovin and i'm trying to claim my blog's link there, so you could get notification everytime i write somethign new, if you enjoy my blog ofc :)

I wish you a good weekend, althought yours started on Friday, differently from mine ahah

I need another me...but more stable .

All these flowers in the background, this soft music...this all represent what I am half of the time. The other half I'm not that stable with my nerves. It takes just a little thing to drive me crazy (in a bad way). The most recent thing is the fact that on Saturday I have to take pictures during an 18bday party, I'll be payed so it should be great. Well I was actually screaming so loud because a pair of shoes I wanted to wear I took them to repair this afternoon, without thinking about the weekend. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a shopping girl (I sometimes am but not at high level) and is not the fact that I don't have my shoes, it's about the fact I forget  I needed them, I didn't plan everything as I thought. And this just made my unstable. I'm one of those persons that make lists, but my problem is that, although I have an agenda I can't live without, I make thousands lists, I try to plan everything...and when it comes I forget something, in my view of the situation, this is just unacceptable. My mum says I'm cruel with myself, I criticised everything about my body, my attitude etc. And I also do attack everything that's around me. 

I don't know why this happens but when it does I'm scared; I don't know where all this hate come from. Maybe the fact I recently broke up after a long distance relationship of 2 years? (I'll write about it I guess..not quite ready right now) I believe I just need to know that someone is always here for me. Maybe I need that person I recently closed with, or someone that is closer, maybe people I don't know or also friends that always say "I'm here for you, whenever you want"...but they're not actually. They do not invite me over for first, never, I'm always the second choice or the one that "if you want to come yeah sure", is not like they're really inviting me. Basically I feel selfish thinking about this now but the point is that, although I think and I realise that these things are as I see them, or maybe they're not..at the end they are not changing. 

I would like to have another me; someone who knows how I feel and that could give me the right council, who's always ready. 

I just really hope this shit period will be over soon. Maybe I could try talking with someone, like the school-psychologist...but I'm not quite sure; you come in my small town, and we don't have to pay you...doesn't seem logic in my opinion.

I think this blog is helping. To express my problem and explain them to you, ghosts readers, I need to analyse them. And that's what I'm supposed to do when I overreact.

I should always write this to you but, at the same time, remembering it to myself. 

LIFE IS A GAME WE PLAY!

( Picture from the internet )