I need another me...but more stable .

All these flowers in the background, this soft music...this all represent what I am half of the time. The other half I'm not that stable with my nerves. It takes just a little thing to drive me crazy (in a bad way). The most recent thing is the fact that on Saturday I have to take pictures during an 18bday party, I'll be payed so it should be great. Well I was actually screaming so loud because a pair of shoes I wanted to wear I took them to repair this afternoon, without thinking about the weekend. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a shopping girl (I sometimes am but not at high level) and is not the fact that I don't have my shoes, it's about the fact I forget  I needed them, I didn't plan everything as I thought. And this just made my unstable. I'm one of those persons that make lists, but my problem is that, although I have an agenda I can't live without, I make thousands lists, I try to plan everything...and when it comes I forget something, in my view of the situation, this is just unacceptable. My mum says I'm cruel with myself, I criticised everything about my body, my attitude etc. And I also do attack everything that's around me. 

I don't know why this happens but when it does I'm scared; I don't know where all this hate come from. Maybe the fact I recently broke up after a long distance relationship of 2 years? (I'll write about it I guess..not quite ready right now) I believe I just need to know that someone is always here for me. Maybe I need that person I recently closed with, or someone that is closer, maybe people I don't know or also friends that always say "I'm here for you, whenever you want"...but they're not actually. They do not invite me over for first, never, I'm always the second choice or the one that "if you want to come yeah sure", is not like they're really inviting me. Basically I feel selfish thinking about this now but the point is that, although I think and I realise that these things are as I see them, or maybe they're not..at the end they are not changing. 

I would like to have another me; someone who knows how I feel and that could give me the right council, who's always ready. 

I just really hope this shit period will be over soon. Maybe I could try talking with someone, like the school-psychologist...but I'm not quite sure; you come in my small town, and we don't have to pay you...doesn't seem logic in my opinion.

I think this blog is helping. To express my problem and explain them to you, ghosts readers, I need to analyse them. And that's what I'm supposed to do when I overreact.

I should always write this to you but, at the same time, remembering it to myself. 

LIFE IS A GAME WE PLAY!

( Picture from the internet )